it's midnight now and somewhere in a november
that still exists tonight, we're kissing each other's knucles
for the first time.
i've swallowed hearts like apricots
and i've watched as the juice of being in love
dripped down my chin and spread like watercolors
across my skin.
i've seen what shades i feel in
when i feel in shades of
you.
i've lived through seven seas of heartbreak
but i wouldn't take any of it back
because on each shoreline i found another reason
to let someone lead me into the waves
with my eyes closed.
do you remember how raw the night seemed
when we cracked the moon over our teeth and let its
yolk run down our throat?
salmonella or not,
i loved you then.
it's april now,
and there are showers, like they promised.
driving around in the rain today,
someone told me that may would be
beautiful again.
but fuck it, i don't want may flowers.
i only want
you.

i don't know how to feel about anything anymore

really hoping that i'm getting over continuously throwing myself into the vicious cycle of being temporarily stoked on something only to discover that it's bad for my sanity and lack of emotional stability to get attached too quickly to pretty much anything aside from pizza

but honestly, i can't imagine wasting my breath on someone other than you

always strange looking back in the archives of the moments where my skin touched a blanket that would feel unfamiliar if i were to run a fingertip across it now but for some reason felt so much like home back then

here here here here here
let me list everywhere you're
not here here here here

trying to think of topics for thesis and it's not going well:
change
solitude
empty
full
confused
lustful
hateful
repetitive
destructive
unintentional
intentional
condescending
careless
overwhelmed
stuck

i'm sorry i continue to write

incapable of even fathoming the idea of being alone so the temporary solution of an unfamiliar bed and a new body seems like the easy way out, doesn't it?
but what happens when the sun comes up and i'm hungover, too weary to carry the weight of his boyish limbs towards a good excuse for the mess we made?
i'm full of regret and too much wine, my mouth is dry from spitting out too many lies, telling myself this is okay for now, this is okay for now
it's fucking not, and i'm well aware that i've destroyed everything i've been trying to cling to with all my might, i've never been that strong-willed
so to make matters worse, i found the crumpled paper you wrote me, remembered how it felt to be handed a heart, bloody and real, and turn it down
the thought of someone caring about me that much baffles me, you know, always has, always will, because i feel like i'm fucking worthless

I've come to the realization that I only miss you at night.
It's desperate and it's pathetic and it's a goddamn phenomenon
that I only care about the way you still remember
how to tilt my head like a compass pointing south,
how to touch my collarbones that dip like the Grand Canyon,
how to count my ribs like you would the Seven Wonders,
how to leave your mark like thin, red state lines on my back,
how to hold my hipbones. Steer them to you.
Drive recklessly, crash into me.
We're already a mess, a little broken glass won't make a difference.

"close my eyes
pull my heart strings
pour my tears from your hands
'connections are never easy,'
you said empty words
empty soul
i believe that we are afraid
of one another"


"and i, i believe that you
have died within me"
... i fade from myself
i miss you again
i fade from myself
i miss you again... again
(what have we got?)
bloody broken and hidden away
i seek the rope from which we will hang
or so it seems
or so it seems
the dance of flesh on flesh
has rendered us blind"


"i look into eyes, i look into stone
it's better to be stepped on
than left all alone...
so now i choke on yesterday
when i was someone
and i wonder where 'forever' went
and how our 'everything' came undone
i opened my eyes and the heaven
beneath us died."

unlearning the things you spend so much time memorizing

we went to bed in a mess of naked limbs 
and you whispered you loved me
i questioned if you meant it on account of the whiskey 
so you said it again in the morning
and we kissed 'til noon
and then again 'til nightfall
in order to follow the routine all over again
too late to drive home
and too much temptation in your sheets
so we spent the night again
in a mess of naked limbs
and 'i love you' on your breath
i believed you this time
but still fell asleep 
hoping i'd hear it again in the morn'
 

and i know that no amount of apologies can make this right

i know i have it all
and i know all it will take
is the opening of my palm to let it in,
but my fingers are curled shut
and no force could pry them open again.

i'm sorry love but i've run out of ways
to hold you in my arms,
when my fists are like little balls of sorrow,
closed to you and to us
and to even my own understanding of this situation.

despite this,
i'll miss memorizing our bodies
without permission,
and waking up to your soft breath
exhaling your way until one in the afternoon.
i'll always miss you,
your shoulder blades and ribcage,
the bare bones i've run my finger down
so many times.

i just can't comply to that anymore,
i can't keep trying to figure out
how long i can last between breaths,
letting the gap between moments
and seconds and minutes
expand.
expand and expand.

i've been working on
how to fill those gaps but i've run out of air.
i've run out of air
and i've run out of strength
to keep my hands open,
out for you.

just please tell me you won't be miserable,
please tell me i'm not the only one
running out of air.
maybe i sound stupid rambling
about running out of things
and yes,
i suppose i haven't run out of ways
to keep this conversation going.

so when the inevitable moment arrives
where i watch you turn and walk away,
maybe i'll fill the gap between us
with warm thoughts of whispers and shoulder blades.
and whispering into shoulder blades late in the night,
when i wanted to tell you
i still love you,
but didn't have the lung capacity to exhale it.

polar opposites don't push away
it's the same on the weekends as the rest of the days
and i know i should go but i'll probably stay
and that's all you can do about some things
i'm trying to drink away the part of the day
that i cannot sleep away

i'm choking on the extremities of my thoughts and i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i don't want to grip to you like a storm cloud that follows characters in cartoons so i'm refraining from saying anything but i really need you right now. i've been sitting here for 22 minutes waiting for another line to make this end in a reasonably positive plausible way but i'm sorry. i can't.

every so often i keep my senses checked / i'm such a wreck if i lose direction / so what if... / i should consider self-help / late nights to interrogate myself / burning paths between my bedroom and the bar / a finer place to start...

picking out my poisons from the wall / there's a war inside my head / i'd say i'm getting used to it

some nights well spent / i'm never sold on self-help / i'm too fresh to interrogate myself / when i have the strength to crawl back into bed

i'm writing lists in notebooks / i'm organizing every word / but less forgetful in dividing lines / you called me right on time

picking out my poisons from the wall / there's a war inside my head / i'd say i'm getting used to it / i'm getting over it / i'm getting back in bed

we all seem overwhelmed / keeping time will never tell / i really shouldn't stay / i should be proper for a change

every so often i need my senses checked / when i have the strength to crawl into your bed / i'll change my plans instead

this is a night worth saving / i will pour my doubts onto the floor / and wear away the pavement / between my back porch and your door

do you think i should stay? / i need to be proper for a change / well, we'll be at home

give me something to look forward to

fuck you, 2:33 am

what i'd give to curl up and reside under your floorboards

so you can step on my spine and crack my back

in all the right (and wrong) places

i'll notice the gaps between your footsteps

and i'll hold my breath waiting for each footfall

and i'll do anything i can to fill those gaps

.-- .... . .-. . .- .-. . -.-- --- ..- ..--..

What if I called your name,

in the thick of the forest,

when no ones around?

(you know the rest).

Sometimes I sense that you can

hear my deepest thoughts,

I haven't decided if I like that or not.

Sometimes I spell 'where are you?' in morse

even though I know the city smog is

much too thick for you to see it,

with the dim flashlight I hide under my bed.

I wish I could split the smoke with a finger,

split it in half and run through,

back home.

It's hard to call a place home now,

but you,

you're as sturdy as a house to me

(all the home I need).

Maybe we can part the sky together

if we try hard enough,

you can fingerpaint mountains

and trees and all the landscapes

I'm missing in the smog for me,

give me a place to hug like I'm home

again.

(i do not know what it is about you that closes

and opens; only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

trying to love without boundaries, without knots and harnesses and bags of sand weighing me down, i'll take all the faults and flaws and scratches and blood, anything for the sake of knowing every inch of you, every fucking speck of you, not because i just want to, but because i need to, i need to get you, to memorize and explore you, and i want you to do the same, i need you to, i don't want our eyes to glaze over with untroubled satisfaction, i can't settle, let's never settle, let's always be moving and learning and figuring each other out, let's run and master how to deal with our cuts and bruises when we get there, because doesn't it feel good to just fucking run sometimes?

this is my last leg, been awake for days.

in a minute i'll die of starvation.

i'll come back a ghost if i can haunt you and float around your room.

what do i do when you get close?

if i kissed your neck, would you slit my throat?

and i'm not imagining how you give me the shivers,

standing up to your waist in your river,

you're the sweetest boat-builder i think i've ever seen.

dream in japanese, dream in japanese,

some language i don't even know how to speak.

you're still pretty and i'm still choked up,

it's probably just the same.

i waste all my time just thinking of you.

but mostly i'm tired of waiting

to love you fiercely in all of your forms

i need to get the fuck out of here

growing uncomfortable within my own skin is not the way it's supposed to be but i'm getting more and more accustomed to it, oops

i never learnt to share

i've spent a year analyzing every inch of your backbone

and every fleck in your skin

and i've spent a year piecing together words

for seconds and minutes and moments

that i didn't think could be strung into sentences

and i've spent a year opening my eyes to you

and the thought of you

and the breath of you beside me

still sound asleep well into the afternoon.

i've spent a year finding your fingers

under the covers to hold them for another little while

and i've spent a year giving in and admitting i'm ticklish,

but only there, okay i lied again, there too,

and yes, yes, my feet too

and i've spent a year continually noticing myself

running chaotically down a hill

tripping over my feet and running after you.

i've spent a year searching for your lips in the dark,

doing everything i've always wanted to do,

but never thought i would

and i've spent a year realizing that you're the only thing i need,

the only thing i want, and the only thing i have

that makes me the happiest i can be

and i've spent a year with you, and only you,

and it seems like a long time but it'll never be long enough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPCGXsuzEA0

"you said for better or worse. you said it. and now i'm at my worst. i'm at my worst, baby."

if the walls in the room could talk

i wonder to myself would they lie

it's like some kind of jail

fall from the curtains onto the bed

i'm all alone now, i can do as i please

i don't feel like doing much of anything

true love ain't that hard to find

not that you will ever know

would you lay here for awhile?

please, do not let me go

there's a lot of broken glass here and i don't think i can tiptoe around it forever

sometimes the amount of inspiration that i'm surrounded by hurts my brain/ego/heart/mental state

i'm looking for something, but the act of looking pushes it further away. and i just keep looking and looking.

i've been drained of all the right words to say and the right way to place my hands behind your head while you sleep, never around your neck, especially not when i'm finding it so hard to breathe. i need air, revive me. i'm sick of saying nothing matters, i'm sick of saying i don't care, every extra second of tension breaks my heart into a million little pieces. i've never had patience for puzzles, how do you expect me to stitch this back together? i need your help, i need it badly.

dreamt of a vacant pier

move all your maps to here

if i could run my fingers through your hair

if i could run along the shore and air

i would

keep all my mornings clear

move all your bees to here

if i could run my fingers through your hair

if i could run along the shore and air

i would

move

come back, it's quiet here

give me all of your insecurities and your flaws and we can cut your ropes and ties and i'll stitch you back up until you're brand new, it won't take long because you're as close to perfect as they come, my one and only, i'll sew your skin to mine so we can never let go, i hope that's okay, because my biggest fear is losing you and can't we just get married already? i'm tired of making an ebb and flow of everything regarding us and sometimes it's as simple as asking why i love you and how easy it is to give myself the answer.

no

yes

i get it now

ephemeral

i care far too much about things that don't concern me

we were walking, holding hands

with our bare feet in the sand

and the seagulls overhead

when i broke the spell and said

"i could never divorce you

without a good reason

and though i may never have to

it's good to have options"

but for now, i need you

but for now, i need you

but for now, i need you

but it was only in my head

because no one ever says

what they really mean to say

when there's so much at stake

so i told her i loved her

and she told me she loved me

and i mostly believed her

and she mostly believed me