i spend endless hours hating this place, wanting to do everything i can to leave and go back home, but then all of a sudden i'm on the top of this fucking hill at 11 pm, sitting in a rocking chair, and looking at the most vast, quiet, starry sky, and all i can think about is how fucking selfish and ungrateful i am when i have this huge fucking sky in front of me and i do nothing but hate everything around me. so i try to ignore the hate, i try to sit back and stare into the sky, i try to forget how much i really don't like the lonely and empty feelings this place leaves me with, and i try to enjoy the fucking beauty in front of my eyes.

it's hard though. it's so goddamn hard. i still really do want to go home. but i think these starry skies and endless horizons sort of help.

sort of.