for you, in an attempt to unravel my most important memory

i remember every detail of it like it happened five minutes ago and i have faith that it will stick with me like syrupy honey on the tips of my fingers, messy and pure.

i don't think there are enough words in the english language, or any language for that matter, that can articulate how powerful everything was and how slowly the earth turned on its axis, letting each second pass at a pace that we decided on, because we were in control.

it started with a balcony, three floors up, barred like a jail cell, but with room between each beam for our legs to fit through, dangling over the cool earth, swinging aimlessly. we talked. i never was very good at opening up, so i did more listening, but they didn't mind. we were content until i saw that tear fall out of her eye and i knew i had to do something. i stood up. my feet were working faster than my brain but i let them lead.

they led me to the golf course. the vast space of perfectly cut grass, open and empty and ready for me. i didn't wait to see if they were behind me. i just ran. i ran and ran and fucking ran until i couldn't feel anything - and maybe that's why i started running in the first place. i let the blades of damp grass stick to the backs of my bare legs and i let my hair get caught in the wind that hit my face with force and determination and i let my eyes fill with tears for no reason and every reason and i let every natural inhibition fade away into the dark night.

i stopped running and turned around to see that they had followed me - they didn't have to, but they did. they ran because it felt good to just run. to just hit the ground and run. out of breath, i let my body dive into the soft grass staring into the infinite sky. i have never felt so small and insignificant, and i have never felt happier about that feeling. that overwhelming thought that we are nothing but particles of dust in this overflowing world, temporary and decaying by the minute.

i raised my hand into the air, noticing every pore in my skin and every star in the sky, and watched as the clouds parted to reveal the most full, purple atmosphere i have ever seen. i couldn't help but let the tears pour out of my eyes all over again. i looked to my left and they were there, lying in the same grass, crying the same tears, feeling the same thing - we were satisfied.

i was aware of everything but felt like i knew nothing; bewildered by everything this universe was presenting me with, knowing i had my scars for specific reasons and knowing that i would acquire more for other specific reasons, and knowing that i could never tell anyone exactly how this felt, because it was impossible to explain. we all knew we were in this and we were part of something fucking real and bittersweet, and although we've never spoken of it since, i know that they remember too.

so there we were, in the grass, reaching and grasping for the moon to come closer, knowing that we would never have another moment quite like this one. although i've always tried to write about this, i've never been able to find the right words to explain everything. all i know is that i've never felt so awake.