i always feel like this writing becomes a waste of time and ends up tangled in a web of clumsy syllables and constanants in which i messily try to pull into a straight line of organized thoughts

like a complex of fleeting moments that stick to my fingers for mere seconds, before i wash them away willingly and simply

i am my own worst critic, i know that, but you can't blame me for wanting more out of this

i realize that sometimes i need to take a breath and step away from the pen and let the thoughts that mean something come to me at the times that i expect it the least

like on a long drive, or in the wee hours of the morning, half asleep with heavy eyelids, scribbled into that notebook beside my bed that has collected dust for far too long

from now on, i want to try my best to give my words capacity, something tangible and dense

i don't want silly verbs and flimsy prefixes tossed together, something that sounds pretty but means shit to me, or you, or anyone

i want my words to feel heavy in your head and heavy in your heart, not something to be delicately skimmed through

i want my words to be something that you pine for, something that makes you ache, and something that makes me feel like i have lifted a huge weight off my shoulders every time that i put down the pen or pull the paper from the typewriter

so this is my attempt to not only find inspiration by looking at things, but through experiencing things, and getting hurt and being brave, so i have something to write about late at night just like i am now, only with less tact and a more reckless spirit and an uninhibited mind

because that's what being young is all about right?