i remember the day i first met you. a firm handshake, a warm smile, constant eye contact. it was winter. i had been at this god awful party for half an hour, already half drunk because i didn't want to deal with a whiney friend complaining about her current boyfriend. you had just arrived, cheeks rosy from the cold. we chatted about where we wanted to go to school, who we were friends with at the party, who we wanted to avoid, and what plans we had for christmas break. you were a wonderful distraction but you disappeared from my life shortly after that and our talk was a fleeting moment in my mind. we met again months later, by chance, on a train, and spent the next forty minutes catching up and i was reminded of your infectious laugh, your kind eyes, your way with words when i talked about being unsure if i was completely content with what i was doing with my life. another long while passed, then we met again, on another train, and we laughed and joked and you hugged me and now i can feel that hug hovering in my mind and i am so heartbroken even though we only met three times. i remember everything about you and i often find myself wishing you'd stumble onto the train when my ipod dies and i sit in boredom for those forty minute rides from toronto to pickering. you told me once about the night that you spent lying on the hood of your car looking at the stars because they made sense, they mapped out noticeable constellations and you understood them, and it started to rain, and it was wet and cold and heavy and it made sense too, and now it's raining and all i want is to lie on the hood of a car and stare into the sky and feel like everything makes sense. but you didn't deserve this, you didn't fucking deserve to die. this doesn't make sense. this doesn't make any sense at all.